Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
