Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
