she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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