I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
