ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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