you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
