I'm gonna have a badass scar
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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