Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
