Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
