im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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