On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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