If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
