When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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