Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
