I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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