does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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