True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
