Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
why do cheetos always look like penises
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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