i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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