I'm gonna have a badass scar
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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