I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
wow bdsm is so cute
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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