My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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