i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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