apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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