Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
