so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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Is her dick bigger than yours?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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