for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
two words: eviction party
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize