mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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