i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
