do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
