You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
