Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
