why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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