nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.