What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?