have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
