I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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