i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
