We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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