god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He shit in the fireplace
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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