i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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