I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
