i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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