My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
