So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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