roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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