hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
