I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
