I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
