phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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