There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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