I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
