I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
