i already hear my dad disowning me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
whose parrot is this?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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