I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
