He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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