No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
