I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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