I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
