They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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