just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
