Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
